Tiger Software's   -    Jokes To Make You Laugh
                              and Stay Healthy

                                "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine."  Proverbs 17:22 

                                - William Schmidt, Ph.D. - www.tigersoft.com

                                                Last Updated - 4/1/2011
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                              This is just beginning.  Come back often. 
                    I'll try to add something that made me laugh.  that's in good taste and
                    only pokes fun at the arrogant, never the weak and powerless.


                   A priest and a cab driver were both entering heaven at the same time.  They gave the cab driver
                    a beautiful red robe fit for a king and a golden staff.  Then the priest was next and they gave him
                    a plain cotton robe and wooden stick.  The priest said "wait a minute...I've spend my life preaching
                    the word of god.  Why do I just get a plain robe and wooden stick while the cab driver gets so much

                     They said "we base our decision on results.  While you were preaching everyone was falling asleep,
                     while the cab driver was driving everyone was praying."
  (from DL)

                     3/30/2009    George is a young Occidental man who has studied Chinese in college.  He wants
                     to impress his date.  He takes her to an authentic and traditional Chinese restaurant.   While waiting
                     he notices an elderly Chinaman at a near by table eating something  that looks delicious. 
                     When the waitor comes over, George tells the waitor in halting Chinese, "I would like to eat
                     what that man is eating."  The waitor seems puzzled for a moment but then goes over to the nearby
                     table.   He talks with the man at the table..The man looks over at George, shrugs and reluctantly agrees.

                     11/18/2008     "Readit...Readit...Readit..." 

                          A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
                    when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
                    when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
                    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a
                    9 iron. Boom! he hits it right into the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
                    You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the
                     frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
                    The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled beyond words.
                    By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,
                    "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

                     They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
                     Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog
                     replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a 38-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
                    the man figures what the heck. Boom!  100,000 in chips comes sliding back across the table.
                    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
                    "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
                    The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
                    deserves it. With a Kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

                     "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."



                              A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
                       While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
                       next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter,
                       'What is that you just served?'
                             The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro,
                       bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
                              The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
                              The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
                       there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be
                       sure to save you this delicacy.'

                             The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served
                       the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called
                       to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones
                       I saw you serve yesterday.'

                             The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si,Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

            10/7/2008   Stand-Up Comedy!

           10/6/2008      Why do I think these are so funny?


            10/1/2008   I thought this was a pretty funny story.          

                                                                Sort of a love story    wpeF7.jpg (1759 bytes)

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us, and we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered, Baaa, then re-joined the flock.


                       Joking about Golf helps pass the time while looking for the ball in the rough. 
                       A man, about to tee off felt a tap on his shoulder and a bloke handed him a card
                       that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

                       The 1st man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through,
                        and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

                        The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

                        Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball,
                        laying him out cold.

                        When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly
                        looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.

         When I have a bad day, I like to listen to Rodney.  Things don't seem so bad.

"What's a guy gotta do to get a little respect around here?"

"Yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!"

"I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was trying to read my face."

"Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!"

"I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom.  He couldn't stop laughing at me."

"I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"A hooker once told me she had a headache"

                 Thanks for making me feel better, Rodney


        A woman drinks three glasses of wine before going to bed and promptly falls right to sleep.  Her husband
        has other plans for her at this time of night.  

        So he prepares an exhibit.  He takes two worms and drops one each in a glass of water and a glass of wine. 
        The worm in the water swims around.  The worm in the wine dies immediately.  To which he says, "What
        do you have to say now?"

         The lady shrugs, saying: "If I drink, I won't get worms".

       One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to
       figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
       it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So, he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
       all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. When the donkey realized what was happening,
       he cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
They peered over the edge of the well.

        With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's
        neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
        everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

              Moral - Shake off the life's dirt, don't get trapped and keep moving up.

                                                               But there's more.....

        The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected
        and the farmer eventually died from septic shock.

               Moral: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

         A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people
         to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

        Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

        Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parisoners."

       Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."

       7/5/2008            “I know quite certainly that I myself have no special talent.  Curiosity, obsession and
                                 dogged endurance, combined with self-criticism, have brought me to my ideas.”
                                                                                           Albert Einstein

                                                              Man with a problem.
                       A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

                       The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.
                       "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

                      The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a
                      woman on a bed making love."

                     The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

                     The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed
                     making love."

                     The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a
                     picture of?"

                    The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed
                    making love."

                    The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be osessed with sex."

                    "Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

       6/18/2008      Quakah Humah from Maine and Ohio....                      

                                            From Maine

                                 The mothah says to her daughtah, "What were you
                                and Quakah Timith talking about so long in the parlah?"

                                "Why we were discussing our kith and kin", replied the daughtah.

                                 "Yeth they were, Mothah" interrupted her little brothah.
                                  "Quakah Timith asked for a kith" and she said, "You kin."


                                  Where did you Jack go in such a hurry", my daughtah.

                                  "Jack and I have parted forevah."

                                  "Goodness gracious! What does that mean."

                                  "Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy tomorrow."

                                                      This is one of my favorites.

Once in the 1850s, an Ohio Friend was returning by train from an abolitionist convention
when a group of ministers from Kentucky boarded his car. One of them, noting the Friend's
plain garb and guessing his antislavery convictions, began to bait him: "Are you one of those
Quakers who wants to free all the niggers?" he demanded. The Friend nodded affirmatively.

"Well, then" badgered the minister, "why do you preach your antislavery doctrines up here in Ohio?
Why don't you come try it over in Kentucky?"

The Friend was tired and a bit out of sorts, so he responded with a question of his own:
"Is thee a preacher?" he asked.

The other said he was.

"And does thee want to save souls from hell?" the Friend continued.

Yes, the minister allowed that he did.

"Well, then," concluded the Friend wearily, "why doesn't thee go there?"

      6/7/2008      Divine Humah...

                        An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

  6/5/2008              Why didn't I think of this?

                                An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman
                                on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said.

                                The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't understand...
                                I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a
                                beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled.
                                The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the jeweler.
                                "By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order,
                                so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then
                                I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday."

                                The following Monday morning one pissed-off jeweler telephoned the man.
                                "You bastard! You lied! There's no money in that account!"

                                 "Well, true. But let me thank you for one fantastic weekend!"
                                 (Source: http://steveswastedweb.blogspot.com/ )

      6/4/2008          This "heya" is down-east Maine "humah".  I love it.

                                     A retired school "teachah" from Boston always rented the same cottage
                               at Pocamoonshine Lake, east of "Bangah".  She had a local reputation for being
                               a bit of a "complainah".  One day she stopped at Ben Jordan's roadside
                               vegetable stand and bought some tomatoes. 

                                  "These tomatoes are rather small, I must say", she remarked after handing
                               over the money.  Ben said nothing.

                                  The next day the lady was back.  "Mr Jordon, those tomatoes you
                               sold me yesterday were perfectly awful.  They were dry and pulpy and

                                  "Ayuh," replied Ben agreeably.  After a pause.  "Lucky they were small, ain't it?".

                               Want more Down-East humah?  Please see my offerings of last July.

      6/3/2008         The Sierra Club recently had a public contest to name its new Gas Guzzler-Suberban Tank 

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                                                            The winners were:

                                 "The Ford Valdez - Have You Driven a Tanker Lately?" ...
                                         "The Ford Exploiter - Profiting from the destruction of your planet!"
"The FordZilla - Powerful enough to pass everything on the highway,
                                                                                                                         except a gas station."
                                         "The Saddam - the truck that will put America between Iraq and a hard place."
The Ford Extinction - The truck to end the human species.
                                                       The Titanic - Perfect for sinking the planet into a sea of CO2.
                                                       The Ford Dinosaur - The Mark of Extinction.
                                                       The Ford SPV -All new Super Polluting Vehicle
                                                       The Ford Stogie - the ultimate smokestack.
                                                       The Ford Carcinogen
                                                        The Ford Chernobyl
                    (I know some of you think that I am picking on Ford.   Well maybe.  But the
                        last three cars I have bought have been Fords.  I buy American cars because
                        they mean American jobs and I like Fords.  They have been very reliable
|                        trasnportation..)

      6/2/2008         How A Smart Woman Keeps Her Man at Home.
                      Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
                      Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, ‘Mike, is that you?’
                      Wife #1: But I still don’t understand. How did that kept him from staying out?
                       Wife #2: My husband’s name is Andrew.

      6/1/2008         When I get back to New Mexico, I will tell this story.

                     Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."          

       5/30/2008    Did you hear this one?

About the young Monk who goes to a monastery where they copy the scriptures. He notices that they all copy copies from copies and asks the Abbot why. The Abbott replies that this is how it has been done for centuries, " but", says the young monk, "what if there had been a spelling mistake then it would have been copied over and over again." The abbott says that this is highly unlikely but wanders off down into the vaults. He has been gone for hours and the young Monk becomes worried and goes in search of him. He finds the Abbott banging his head on the monastery wall saying "they've missed the R they missed the R" over and over again.. The young Monk asks     "What is the problem" and the Abbott replies:    "It should have been CELBRATE."

      5/1/2008                    Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
                               "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
                                        He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."
                                    "Mr. President," says Dick Cheney, standing nearby,
                                     "we lose soldiers all the time.  But I've never seen you so upset.                                         What's the matter?"

                                      Bush looks up and asks, "how many is a brazillion?"

       3/8/2008      A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender here?"                  

       3/4/2008  The Bidding Process for A New White House Fence.

      3/2/2008  Bush and The Indians

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