This is just beginning. Come back
oftent. I'll try to add something that made me laugh
that's in good taste and only pokes fun at the arrogant, never the weak and
powerless.
7/5/2008
“I
know quite certainly that I myself have no special talent. Curiosity, obsession and
dogged
endurance, combined with self-criticism, have brought me to my ideas.”
Albert
Einstein
Man
with a problem.
A
man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking
about sex."
The
Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink
blots.
"What
is this a picture of?" he asks.
The
man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and
a
woman
on a bed making love."
The
Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And
what is this a picture of?"
The
man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on
a bed
making
love."
The
Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What
is this a
picture
of?"
The
patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a
bed making love."
The
Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be osessed with sex."
"Me!?"
demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
6/18/2008
Quakah Humah from Maine and
Ohio....
From Maine
The mothah says to her daughtah, "What were you
and Quakah Timith talking about so long in the parlah?"
"Why we were discussing our kith and kin", replied the daughtah.
"Yeth they were, Mothah" interrupted her little brothah.
"Quakah Timith asked for a kith" and she said, "You kin."
or
Where did you Jack go in such a hurry", my daughtah.
"Jack and I have parted forevah."
"Goodness gracious! What does that mean."
"Means that I'll get a five-pound box of candy tomorrow."
-----------------------------------------------------------
This is one of my favorites.
Once in the 1850s, an Ohio Friend was returning by train
from an abolitionist convention
when a group of ministers from Kentucky boarded his car. One of them, noting the Friend's
plain garb and guessing his antislavery convictions, began to bait him: "Are you one
of those
Quakers who wants to free all the niggers?" he demanded. The Friend nodded
affirmatively.
"Well, then" badgered the minister, "why do
you preach your antislavery doctrines up here in Ohio?
Why don't you come try it over in Kentucky?"
The Friend was tired and a bit out of sorts, so he
responded with a question of his own:
"Is thee a preacher?" he asked.
The other said he was.
"And does thee want to save souls from hell?"
the Friend continued.
Yes, the minister allowed that he did.
"Well, then," concluded the Friend wearily,
"why doesn't thee go there?"
6/7/2008
Divine Humah...
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
6/5/2008
Why didn't I think of this?
An older man entered a jewelry shop late one Friday with a beautiful young woman
on his arm. "I'm looking for something special for my girlfriend," he said.
The jeweler brought out a beautiful diamond ring for $5,000. "Perhaps you don't
understand...
I want something very special," he said. The jeweler went to his safe and fetched a
beautiful necklace for $50,000. The young lady's eyes sparkled.
The man said, "It's yours!" "How would you like to pay?" asked the
jeweler.
"By check, but I'm sure my bank will want to make sure that everything is in order,
so I'll write you the check now, you can phone the bank tomorrow morning, and then
I'll return and pick up the necklace Monday."
The following Monday morning one pissed-off jeweler telephoned the man.
"You bastard! You lied! There's no money in that account!"
"Well, true. But let me thank you for one fantastic weekend!"
(Source: http://steveswastedweb.blogspot.com/
)
6/4/2008
This
"heya" is down-east Maine "humah". I love it.
A retired school "teachah" from Boston always
rented the same cottage
at Pocamoonshine Lake, east of "Bangah". She had a local reputation for
being
a bit of a "complainah". One day she stopped at Ben Jordan's roadside
vegetable stand and bought some tomatoes.
"These tomatoes are rather small, I must say", she remarked after handing
over the money. Ben said nothing.
The next day the lady was back. "Mr Jordon, those tomatoes you
sold me yesterday were perfectly awful. They were dry and pulpy and
tasteless."
"Ayuh," replied Ben agreeably. After a pause. "Lucky they were
small, ain't it?".
Want more Down-East humah? Please see my offerings of
last July.
http://www.tigersoft.com/Tiger-Blogs/7-4-2007/index.htm
6/3/2008
The
Sierra Club recently had a public contest to name its new Gas
Guzzler-Suberban Tank
The winners were:
"The Ford Valdez - Have You
Driven a Tanker Lately?" ...
"The Ford Exploiter - Profiting from the destruction of your planet!"
"The FordZilla - Powerful enough to pass everything on the highway,
except a gas station."
"The Saddam - the truck that will put America between Iraq and a hard
place."
Also:
The Ford Extinction - The truck to end the human species.
The Titanic - Perfect for sinking the planet into a sea of CO2.
The Ford Dinosaur - The Mark of Extinction.
The Ford SPV -All new Super Polluting Vehicle
The Ford Stogie - the ultimate smokestack.
The Ford Carcinogen
The Ford Chernobyl
(I know some of you think that I am picking on Ford.
Well maybe. But the
last three cars I have bought have been Fords. I buy American cars because
they mean American jobs and I like Fords. They have been very reliable
|
trasnportation..)
6/2/2008
How A Smart Woman Keeps Her Man at Home.
Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did
you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I
would simply say, ‘Mike, is that you?’
Wife #1: But I still don’t understand. How did
that kept him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband’s name is Andrew.
6/1/2008
When I get back to New Mexico, I will tell this story.
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As
the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she
would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried
in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat
silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine I got it for my
husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom
of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
5/30/2008 Did you hear this
one?
About the young Monk who goes to a monastery where
they copy the scriptures. He notices that they all copy copies from copies and asks the
Abbot why. The Abbott replies that this is how it has been done for centuries, "
but", says the young monk, "what if there had been a spelling mistake then it
would have been copied over and over again." The abbott says that this is highly
unlikely but wanders off down into the vaults. He has been gone for hours and the young
Monk becomes worried and goes in search of him. He finds the Abbott banging his head on
the monastery wall saying "they've missed the R they missed the R" over and over
again.. The young Monk asks "What is the problem" and
the Abbott replies: "It should have been CELBRATE."
5/1/2008
Donald
Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God...."
"Mr. President," says Dick Cheney, standing nearby,
"we lose soldiers all the time. But I've never seen you so upset.
What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and asks, "how many is a brazillion?"
3/8/2008 A termite walks into a saloon and says "Is the bar tender
here?"
3/4/2008 The Bidding Process for A New White House Fence.
3/2/2008 Bush
and The Indians
|
